Dance, Dance for Joy.

Moving Forward

2011-07-15T20:34:00.008+08:00

almost every time i come here i would have the tendency to want to tell the world about how different a person i am now compared to when i first started this blog. there is just always so much to say about how much i have been through but (i think) i am convinced the world already knows that.

i have learnt a lot in the past 14 days. many a times i felt like ending my life right there and then, especially when confining myself in a room which carried too many memories, memories too hard to live with. not knowing if i would find my happiness again, i often yelled in frustration when i could not comprehend the logic of my predicaments. but being put to a test where my maturity and mentality were tested, i'd like to believe i came out of it bearing more perseverance than before. having said that, i am beyond grateful for the things that i have now, particularly this one life that is dear to me. i have come out of this 14 days with a change in the way this mind operates, whether slight or vast, though the bitter inner thoughts that hate my happiness struggle hard to overpower sometimes.

Loading

2011-05-10T17:22:00.008+08:00

there have been a lot of different emotions encountered since the last time i left a mark here. i have no particular reason for my existence here today, but if i have to pick one (or more) it may be because of this familiar feeling of being home alone, reading a book by a slightly more than familiar author with the evening sun fighting to shine through the curtains. it is undeniable that a lot of things have changed since i last wrote here. i am now a different person. i am no longer the same in many ways, more than i would dare admit. like how i do not understand anymore why this blog is pink in colour. was there not a better colour to choose from? however i am in a better place now, where dreams can be pursued and fairy tales may just come true. i am in a place where hope is more present than before, where love is more fragrant than before. having said that, i do not promise that this is a place where you will come out from rejoicing, neither do i promise any speck of hope at all. though with the passage of time i may have become what i call a happier person, more often than not this is a place where words will speak of disappointments and confusion just like before. then again i just said i have changed.

2010-06-08T17:14:00.001+08:00

Everybody is afraid.

Transitions

2010-04-26T23:53:00.011+08:00

Prints. There are two types of people in the world - people who leave their marks in our lives even when they are gone, and people who simply don't. As we walk around in shopping malls, we bump into people we think are still our friends. But when we walk past them, they give us a brief look, then look away. Not that they don't know us anymore, but it is simply because we are no longer that significant in their lives today that they feel the need to acknowledge us. Then we wonder - did that really just happen? But there are also certain people who are so vivid in our lives, that it is just impossible to forget them (and the same otherwise). Somehow deep inside, we know that whatever happens next, be it good or bad, we will never forget them, we will never want to. These kind of people are present everywhere, I believe. We just have to search deeper and take the extra mile to develop relationships like that. But we should also know that when these relationships end badly, they hurt most. I, I felt that way recently.

Up

2010-02-22T21:38:00.003+08:00

Everybody hurts. No matter how hard you try to cover up, it doesn't work. No matter how tough you look on the outside, it doesn't work. One of the things I've learnt lately is that it is okay to show people you are hurting. Don't hold it in for ego's sake. Don't hold it in for reputation's sake. I love expressive people. I love people who aren't afraid to show what they are feeling. They seem so real, so genuine. If everyone would just realize that expressing yourself is something good, even when you are hurting, it would be easier to befriend people, comfort people, love people. Show your true colours loves, it is about time the world sees them.

As They Paint It To Be

2010-01-31T05:29:00.002+08:00

You could be the better half of me, babyboy. :) I will love you, always and forever. I promise.

2010-01-26T00:39:00.001+08:00

So yea, I hate maths.

The Waves Still Come

2010-01-17T00:03:00.003+08:00

So we all have had this one moment when we had everything planned out. We all think to ourselves, this is going to go great, this is going to work out. But one day something happens and we finally realize that things don't always work out as we expect. But the irony is, we still continue expecting and planning for our future, our dreams, our goals, our lives ahead of us - the things we are going to accomplish in a certain period, the person we are going to commit to or marry, the grades we are going to get, the places we are going to go. I guess what they say is true, the greater the hope, the greater the despair. Yet, we still plan. We still expect. And we still fail. The cycle repeats countless times in our lives and that is when disappointment and heartaches seep in. Then, we also come to realize that things that once seem so vivid and clear now start to fade, they slowly become vague. But in that great moment of despair still lies a tiny speck of hope. And suddenly that little hope takes over and becomes just enough for us to pull through.

2010-01-15T23:55:00.002+08:00

My God is so big,
So strong and so mighty,
My God is so big,
So strong and so mighty,
My God is so big,
So strong and so mighty,
There's nothing my God cannot do,
For you.

2009-12-12T01:39:00.002+08:00

"I understand women."

"There's no man alive who could honestly say those words and mean them. It just isn't possible, so there's no use trying. But that doesn't mean you can't love them anyway. And that doesn't mean you should ever stop doing your best to let them know how important they are to you."

2009-11-13T23:04:00.002+08:00

My head is throbbing. I know I need some rest, but it's not right.

Faraway Dream

2009-11-10T20:08:00.006+08:00

Drawing, to me, is a form of expressing myself. When I am overwhelmed with emotions but lacking in words to express how I feel, I grab a pencil and paper, and I start drawing. The way I find inspiration or motivation to draw is when I am all alone, when I am thinking, or when I am overwhelmed with emotions of any kind. That also probably explains why I only draw when it is really late at night. It is then when the world is asleep, and all I am left with are my emotions, pencil, paper, and well of course, myself. So, really, if you ask me, drawing or sketching is a form of expressing my thoughts and feelings. It is never an obligation, or a job. I find my heart in drawing. But it is a shame that I lack the knowledge, that I don't know the right way to do it. All I do is draw what my heart tells me. I wish I was given more resources and knowledge in drawing. I want to explore the world of art. I want to know how far I can go with this. But then again, how far can it really take me? So maybe I'll just brush this thought aside, and pretend I never had it. It will be a little secret, and I will find another path. I fear the road not taken.

2009-11-09T20:01:00.002+08:00

One more mark to an A2 for Physics, and she didn't give it to me. Now I'm thinking why didn't I go to school and check my marks earlier. And why did she have to be so cruel. ARGGHHH @(*#)$(@

I'm angry.

Lost At Sea

2009-10-16T12:34:00.003+08:00

I want to read nice, deep, moving writings. But I guess they've all gone extinct. Fellow bloggers, what happened. :(

2009-09-19T02:41:00.006+08:00

Over the sea and far away

She's waiting like an iceberg

Waiting to change

But she's cold inside

She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face

Buries her soul in one embrace

They're one and the same

Just like water

The fire fades away

Most of everyday

Is full of tired excuses

But it's too hard to say

I wish it were simple

But we give up easily

You're close enough to see that

You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike

But the time has come

To move along

The fire fades away

Can you help me

Can you let me go

And can you still love me

When you can't see me anymore

The fire fades away

Take These Broken Hearts and Leave.

2009-09-04T23:22:00.005+08:00

Everyone's a hypocrite to a certain extent but I just cannot seem to comprehend how some people have the ability to be extremely hypocritical. Though, I sometimes wonder if hypocrites can be equated with confused people. They don't know what they want, so they say one thing, then they do another. It is actually because they are simply confused, but people view them as hypocrites. Do you get my drift? But it upsets me. Especially when I become the victim. It provokes me when someone becomes hypocritical, more so when I am not treated the way I should be. You know, no one should be taken advantage of. Not even you. But as I said, everyone is a hypocrite, including me. But only to a certain extent, that is.

I need to learn how to love. Join me?

They Don't Take You by the Hand.

2009-08-28T03:18:00.005+08:00

Tonight I am joyless.

2009-08-23T18:08:00.002+08:00

What if, it was all a mistake?

Oh, God...

2009-07-29T00:05:00.004+08:00

I've made another day for myself. It's called Funday and it comes after Sunday.

Peace.

Be nice. That's all.

2009-07-22T00:58:00.002+08:00

Feels A Little Like Home.

2009-07-07T00:52:00.010+08:00

I've known you for about five years now and I clearly remember how we first got to know each other. It was during a PMD session when we were made to sit in the same group and found out later that we had the same piano teacher and the doctor I used to go to was actually your uncle. We had so much fun together in Form 1 and 2, especially when we always gave teachers the 'blank' look on our faces just because we didn't like them, and in Form 2 when we created a war with Pn Nermala. Haha, that was an amazing experience, wasn't it. Then in Form 3, we were streamed to the same class and you sat beside me. We always liked sharing an A4-sized paper just for doodling while teachers talked in front of the class. We made a lot of jokes too - mostly lame ones, but the funny kind of lame.

When it was time for exams, we would call to test each other over the phone. And I have to say, it really worked! Memorizing became so easy, didn't it? And during exams, you still sat beside me. Sometimes I still refuse to think it was mere coincidence.

Years passed. Since we are no longer in the same class or attend the same tuition classes, things have changed a little and I'm pretty sure we both know that, but I'm thankful enough to have spent half of my high school life with you.

Today, you turn 17. It is your day. It's a shame I don't have our pictures here in this laptop. Nevertheless, have fun wherever you are. Just don't come back with H1N1.

Ily, Lulu. :) I hope you read this in time.

Good Things Come In Threes

2009-07-04T10:54:00.003+08:00

"Boys are so confusing. You just wanna slap them and be like, 'Just tell me what you're thinking!' Like, stop messing around, you know?"

Aha. I think The City is alright, not as good as The Hills but still quite worth watching.

I Will Survive

2009-06-30T23:35:00.002+08:00

Yes la, I got chosen to go for NS. Funny right.

PS, Happy birthday, Caleb and Ruifong! :)

2009-06-10T18:38:00.001+08:00

Slow down, time, slow down.

Slow down. Slow down. SLOW DOWN!

Pure White.

2009-05-31T02:19:00.002+08:00

As for now, I have run dry of all the courage I used to have, all the faith, all the determination. I've lost my capability to do things on my own, because I no longer have any. So much have been sucked out of me that I am left with nothing but emptiness. I cannot break down, not now. Not here. All I need is to borrow a little bit of courage from people around me; people who are willing. So would you please lend me yours? Because I know I am worth it.

Please.

2009-05-27T16:16:00.002+08:00

HELLO HELLO I HAVE REALLY IMPORTANT NEWS.

ED WESTWICK IS BRITISH! It can't possibly get any better than this! Or did you know that already? Sorry I know I'm kind of slow and all that but seriously! Mmm, yummy.

The Last Days.

2009-05-27T00:02:00.005+08:00

Hello guys.

Two more days and I will be done with my mid terms! Crazy, 3 weeks is already a killer, what about one whole month of SPM? But (!) tomorrow shall worry about itself. I kind of consider tomorrow as the start of my freedom already (freedom, hah I like that word. Freedom for now, that is) because the only papers I have left after Wednesday are Bio 1 and Civics. Tomorrow's quite a killer though, Add Maths and Physics (and PJK but that doesn't count). You know what would be nice? If we didn't have to count in this world.

That aside, I think I'm already immuned to the exams because I'm no longer panicking as much or doing as much revision as I used to (or rather, should do). Which, is a bad thing, because I don't even know if I'm prepared for tomorrow's papers. Ah shit, talking about it now is starting to make me panic. And it's already 12am so I'll have to stay up again. But low and behold, two more days! I don't think I studied enough today, honestly. I spent most of the time sleeping, as usual and watching talk shows online. Damn it, I'm going off now. Feeling the guilt. Shouldn't have talked about it in the first place!

Have a nice day earthlings.

2009-05-22T15:44:00.002+08:00

Is this the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change even if i tell you i won't go away today
Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent.

We've Got a Little Something to Talk About.

2009-05-20T23:01:00.007+08:00

So guess what I dreamt of yesterday night. Ed Westwick a.k.a. Chuck Bass a.k.a the hot guy from Gossip Girl fell for me. :') It felt real ok I'm not kidding! He even gave me that I'm-totally-in-love-with-her look but of course, it was only a dream. Felt really shitty after I woke up knowing it meant nothing in reality. Heck, I told you I hated sweet dreams! Argh, damn it, Chuck Bass.Haha sorry, I just had to.

2009-05-18T14:38:00.005+08:00

Dear Ah Lian

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you.
How everything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to
chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo,
hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now.
Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut
To eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.
Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years
Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to
all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to
you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will
ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few
free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,

Ah Beng

Closer Now.

2009-05-06T15:41:00.009+08:00

I was going through my pictures and I found some pictures of my trip to Bangkok back in 2007. Sigh, how I miss that place. Where is my time machine?

December, will you hurry already? By the way SV, we must meet up in Chak Tu Chak!

But these stories don't mean anything if you've got no one to tell them to.

2009-05-06T11:03:00.011+08:00

"Sometimes it is good to let happy people stay happy. Don't go ruining their happiness; even if you think they don't deserve being happy." -Alxt.

PS, I passed my Undang on Sunday. Let's go belajar how to drive already!

Little Rainbows of Life

2009-05-02T00:20:00.006+08:00

Five years of friendship and still counting.

Happy birthday, Juvee Teh Wee Li. Ily. :)

If They All Lived in a Quiet Town.

2009-04-23T21:32:00.011+08:00

I wonder if people actually miss out on the chance of being with someone they really love just because no one dared to make the first move; when the truth is both of them share the same feelings they have for each other.

Have you ever wondered the same?

Could It be Any Stranger?

2009-04-19T23:37:00.005+08:00

I guess one of the biggest highlight this week is getting my leg sprained. Toe, to be precise. Story's I was on my way down the stairs after my nap. Guess I was still half asleep so I kind of missed a few steps and fell. Didn't yell though, probably because I was in too much pain. Until now I still don't know exactly how I fell and how many steps I missed, but that should be the story. So yes, woe is me.
But you know what they say, every dark cloud has a silver lining. Guess who's not going to school tomorrow? ;)

But I promise to nerd up the hours (haha, wth did that mean).

Xx.

Song of Bliss

2009-04-11T00:42:00.014+08:00

Here I am, sitting in front of the laptop with an apple pie beside me (which is crazily yummy, by the way!) at 12.48am on my birthday, blogging. A lot of girls my age would probably be out partying, clubbing or just hanging out at this hour but I've come to realize that birthdays aren't just about that. Sure, there's fun in doing those things but after getting wishes from my parents especially, I realize that I should be thanking them for giving birth to me. Cliche much? Not that I would actually thank them face-to-face because that'd be awkward, but by appreciating the life given to me; by both God and them.

Things I learn are different every year. They get more difficult, too. As you grow up, you come to find that things get more complicated and more challenges come your way. But that is when you learn and gain experience. Things like that can only either break you or make you. As for me - the latter, hands down.

So what if I don't get the things that I want for my birthday, or even the things that I like. So what if no one gets me anything. I guess as you get older, you come to realize that text messages, cards and phone calls on your birthday mean so much more than just receiving boxes of gifts from people around you, even if they're really nice gifts. I don't know about you, but it is those thoughts and words uttered by people around me on my birthday that give me the comfort and assurance that I do mean something to them, that I am not just an acquaintance, or a passerby in their lives.

The other thing that will really be clear to you on your birthday is I suppose; how much a friend treasures you. There are a few types of friends in my life, among them are friends who go the extra mile by staying up just to wish me, friends who never fail to send super sweet wishes every year and those who used to remember my birthday every year but not anymore.

After 17 years of living, I believe I've grown more matured. My thoughts, the way I analyse situations and the way I handle my problems are completely different now, as compared to when I was still a young girl. I never knew what taking responsibility for my own actions was. Back then, I would probably try running away from every problem I had to face, but now, I try solving them because running away only gets me that far.

I understand that life isn't always a bed of roses, but there's always Him I can hold on to. Though there were times I couldn't comprehend His ways, yet I still chose to stick with Him. He has brought me so far in life and the things He did for me thus far were crazy. Crazy, but definitely not in a bad way. The craziest thing though, was Him dying for me. Sure, I've had my ups and downs but I've only become stronger at the end of the day.

One year older, one year wiser. :) At least that's what they say.

Have a great weekend ahead.

ALXT is now; officially 17.

Lose Our Way, We Won't Find Our Spot.

2009-04-07T11:26:00.009+08:00

People often ask me, "What are you planning to do after your SPM?" Honestly, I don't know. I mean, sure, there are a few things on my mind, but of completely opposite directions. Arts? Science? As much as I want to deal with animals and children, I'm afraid of going into the science field because I don't know if I will be able to cope. Where do I go? Some may say I still have time but don't I need to have an idea on what I really want to do already?
I need to start praying.

Hah, guess what my music player decided to play for me - One Step at a Time by Michael Buble. :)

P.S., Guess who's sick again! Argh.

Gain Some; Lose Some.

2009-04-02T22:14:00.005+08:00

As you know, it was Earth Day last Saturday. Family and I went to Pyramid and were at Ole Ole Bali for dinner when they switched off the lights. We ate in the dark, which was pretty fun. :)

Xx.

P.S., The decision you made, I cannot comprehend. But who am I to say anything.

Fairytale at Its End

2009-03-30T20:23:00.004+08:00

Did you read about Pinkpau's breakup? I kind of figured when she stopped blogging about Martian. Everyone thought they would make it, even I did.
Such a waste.

Some Things Never Change.

2009-03-26T19:03:00.007+08:00

So, I just found out after school today that my dental appointment is postponed to tomorrow evening. Meaning the extraction will only be done tomorrow and because of that my dance practice will have to be postponed too. What shit. Also, I won't be putting my braces this Saturday because sadly, Saturday's fully booked. Blahh.

Have a nice day anyway.

Xx.

Reality and Its Unmalleability.

2009-03-23T00:44:00.006+08:00

I have trouble sleeping. Haven't had this problem in a very long time. Though I nap a lot I still sleep perfectly well but I guess tonight's exceptional. :( Anyways, will be updating on friends' birthdays. Coming up once I get the pictures, so stay tuned. After a week of break, you bet I'm dreading school tomorrow. And what's worse is I'm having trouble sleeping. Haha funny, now Corrine Bailey Rae's Trouble Sleeping is playing in my head. Make me sleep somebody! Hmm sleeping pill. ;) But sigh, yeah right. I'm predicting I'll be asleep in Bio class later.

Emotionally Drained.

2009-03-17T14:44:00.008+08:00

When i am weak, You are strong.

Edit:// I'm so glad it's over. I learned so terribly much.

Not as We

2009-03-15T01:25:00.006+08:00

He still loves me even though I'm horrible at replying messages. :)) No, not that kind of love, but you know, the I-love-you-as-my-friend kind of love. I think he is probably the only one who tells me he loves me constantly and the only one I feel comfortable with saying the same thing back, probably because we know it is nothing more than just loving each other as friends. I find it cool, because saying "I love you" these days always makes people think it is accompanied by feelings for the opposite sex.

Screw what people think, I love you! :)

I've Got the World Tonight.

2009-03-13T11:33:00.016+08:00

Hello happy people. :)

It's a Friday and guess who didn't wake up for school today. :) Hopefully Pn. Chua doesn't call my mom up and ask why I have been skipping school so many times. Sigh, she can be such a pain sometimes. I'm in a gooood mood today because the weekend is here and I have a week of break after that. :) Have to use this time to study SPM blahblah work hard etc, but still. It's the joy of not having to wake up early in the morning all alone in the dark. :)
Have a wonderful, awesome, magnificent, amazing, happy, colourful, non-stressful weekend ahead, everyone.

I know my blogskin is pink. Aren't you annoyed! Haha. I know I am, but until I find a better colour/blogskin okay.

"'Cause Every Little Thing is Gonna be Alright."

2009-03-09T19:43:00.014+08:00

As promised, these are the pictures of his concert. There are a few instructions to follow as you scroll down. :)

Step 1: Meet the crowd, feel the atmosphere that was present.

Step 2: Take a deep breath, then meet Jason Mraz up close. Start swooning right about now.

Step 3: Admire the stage.

Then the amazing lighting.

Then the funkyy band.

Step 5: Continue swooning.

You're almost done.

Step 6: Meet the sweaty but happy bunch without feeling disgusted.

Now you're done. So tell me, was I lying when I told you it was awesome?

Yeap, thought so too. :)

When they aren't flattering anymore.

2009-03-09T01:53:00.018+08:00

why do i constantly find myself in this position? i would be lying if i said i knew what i am doing, what i am feeling, what i want, what i am. no, i do not wish to have taken the other road, made amends or turned back, because i still wouldn't have known what i really wanted. i often amaze myself, but hardly in a good way.

you know, i just want to slip away from everything for a while. probably walk around with a paperbag over my head. or be invisible. or stay in a place where i will be unseen by others, a place that hides me from the outside world. what an asinine thing to say, i know. but it just gets harder every time.

don't ask me about this post after reading it, but pretend like it never existed.

2009-03-05T18:41:00.017+08:00

Eh.

The Maxis 3G WAP and MMS thing isn't working in my phone. Went to maxis.com.my to get the phone settings already but I see no difference. :( Help, anyone? I'm using a K770i.

Ohhhh and, Jason Mraz's concert was

wait for it, wait for it......

Quote Sharon:

MAGICAL.

....which in my opinion, is still an understatement. Pictures up soon! Well, hopefully.

There's No Need to Hide Away

2009-03-01T16:10:00.004+08:00

Uncertainty - unpredictability; indeterminacy; indefiniteness.

My Sense of Belonging

2009-02-28T00:44:00.013+08:00

Designing Easter fliers from scratch.

I don't quite know if I'm allowed to post this up yet but heck, it's my work righttt. :(

But, do tell me if I need to take this down and I will reluctantly do so. :( Just quite proud of the outcome la considering I was very sleepy in the process (ha, bragging. I'm sorry I'm sorry.)

You shall wait until the actual fliers come out! (Don't know how it is going to be done but not my problem right. Haha.) What nonsense, don't you find me annoying today? Post-test syndrom, perhaps. :)

Sweet December

2009-02-20T01:18:00.008+08:00

Biar satu tahun atau satu hari wahai anjingku,

Saya tidak akan lupakan muka comelmu,

Betapa sayangnya aku padamu,

Hanya kau yang menggembirakan aku!

2009-02-10T18:48:00.005+08:00

If you were asked to describe yourself in only one word, what would it be?

Edit:// I like the comments, thought they were interesting answers. Mine's simple - different. :)

I Want to Walk on Water.

2009-02-06T18:39:00.013+08:00

They say you must fight for your own happiness.
But is it always worth it? I just wonder.

This post is to those who have been bugging me to update/delete my blog (yes that includes you, SuVien). I have to say, the thought of deleting this blog has been lingering in my mind for quite some time now, but it carries too many memories to delete it. Looking back at my posts way back in Form 2 makes me giggle. The things I used to blog about, those never-ending stories about how my day was, posts which meant nothing but were posted up just because I wanted to update my blog, etc. But it definitely felt good reading them again. :) Don't bother finding it on my blog now though, because I unpublished them ages ago. Don't know if people read my blog anymore, so would you kindly leave your mark here so I know you still do?

Thoughts have been in my head lately. Bad thoughts, negative thoughts. What am I doing, what am I feeling nowadays? I often find difficulty finding myself in times like these. Sometimes, it is as if I am a stranger to myself. I need to get back on track, get my head working again. But just before that, I have to know something, something I am afraid I cannot share here. I admit, I haven't been opening up to people around me, expressing my thoughts and feelings. But if you were in my shoes, I don't think you would either. I guess you could say I'm quite of a private and closed person, where thoughts and problems are often kept to myself. I have come to realize that maybe my problem is I do not want people to know I can be that vulnerable at times. Funny though, I think I make a good adviser but have never really advised myself. I am aware of the right things to do. But doing them is a completely different thing.

But no, I am not that screwed up. Just one of those moments, yet again.

PS: Look at my Plurk. Karma: 0.00. Haha.

Fools or Not

2008-09-24T23:38:00.014+08:00

Sometimes we tend to hold on to something we know we shouldn't. Somewhere deep down, you know it isn't right for you to continue holding on to it, but you still do because it feels good. Or rather, it gives you some kind of satisfaction. You wish to let go, but it silently creeps in again and before you know it, you are still holding on to it. You tell yourself that you are done, that you are not doing it again, but you know it isn't true. You are still holding on to it, consciously or not. In spite of the fact that you know it doesn't bring you any good, you are still not letting go because when it happens, it feels good; but when it fails you, you get ripped apart.
Nevertheless, you still decide to hold on to it at the end of the day, hoping it will happen again. Also, when it does; you say life is good and you are happy, otherwise you say life is shit. Sometimes the things we hold on to kill us slowly but we still choose not to let go of them. Because all we worry about is, will we find something better than this? If not, I want to hold on to this. I don't want to let go of this. But for all you know, it is killing you.
Today, are you still holding on to something (or someone, perhaps) you know you shouldn't? If feelings were only feelings and nothing more, everyone would walk around with a smile upon their faces every day.